I’m pretty sure that John Wayne Gacy Jr. is living in my neighborhood and that he’s stalking me.

You heard me. Seems unlikely, you say? Well let’s take a look at the facts: JWG lives in Illinois, prefers the company of teenage boys, looks nothing like the neighbor in question and has been dead for nearly twenty years.

Okay so it’s probably not him.

IMG_3826But that doesn’t change the fact that I’ve encountered a creepy-looking clown on the subway no less than three times this week. Always at the same times, too (around 9:30am or 6:30pm). That can’t be a coincidence. I mean, I lived across the street from my friend Jim for three years and we never ran into each other even once! Now I suddenly run into a sketchy sad clown-man three times in as many days? No way.

I think the only reasonable explanation is that I am definitely being stalked and I’m probably going to wind up in a dumpster behind some greasy spoon diner out on Staten Island.

That, or he’s some poor middle-aged schmo staring blankly at his fellow train passengers through dead eyes wondering where his life went wrong…and we just happened to have the same work schedule. Either way.

Oh, that reminds me! I forgot to tell you that I found a job! Well, ‘found’ probably isn’t the right word as it implies that I was actually looking for a job, which, of course, I wasn’t. This job sort of found me. A friend of a friend’s mother’s cousin’s business partner was looking for a ‘reliable and trustworthy’ person to work as a temporary receptionist at her small law firm, and since it’s only for two weeks, it pays really well and requires almost no effort on my part, I jumped at the opportunity.

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[Look how office-y I am! I have a stapler and everything!]

Today has been pretty slow so far. Neither of the bosses are here so I’m alone in the office. I had to open and close all by myself. I know, right? They gave me a key after knowing me for only five minutes! I guess I must exude reliability and trustworthiness or something. They’ll probably come to regret that decision when they come back on Monday to find their supply closet thoroughly depleted. (I’ve always had a weakness for school/office supplies.)

No, I’m not really going to steal anything. I’m far too busy and important to be pilfering pens, post-it pads and binder clips.

Speaking of, I’d better run out the clock get back to work. Lots to do. I’ve got to finish this blog, re-organize all my paper clips by size and color, and nudge the mouse on the office computer to keep it from falling asleep in case I have to use again later. If I’m feeling extra ambitious I might try to move my stapler over to the left side of my computer. Sit with that for a while. See how I feel.

Then I’m going to reward myself for all my hard work with some online shopping. There’s a super cute vintage yellow dress that I’ve had my eye on for a few months now and oh my god I think it just went on sale…

Sorry. I got distracted by something shiny. Back now. And I have a new dress to wear to my friend’s wedding!

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Here’s hoping I don’t get stabbed by a killer clown on the subway and I get a chance to wear it!

Kisses,

S

p.s. It took some serious effort to post this. Because I’m way too paranoid to use the office computer for anything non-office related, I had to turn my phone into a wi-fi hotspot so I could use my laptop. What would the lawyers think if they came back on Monday and found ‘John Wayne Gacy Jr. sill alive,’ ‘NYC subway clown killer’ and ‘killer clown images’ in my browsing history? Maybe I should find out…

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