I am a grown-ass woman.

And a reasonably intelligent one at that. Yet, after nearly two decades worth of practice, there are still a few simple tasks that I can’t seem to manage without incident.

1) I cannot operate a curling iron without burning my face, neck, fingers or ears, not to mention my hair.

2) I somehow manage to knick myself pretty much every time I shave my legs. Typically it’s the knee or ankle area, but I’ve been known to randomly slice the middle of my calf…with a safety razor, mind you. It’s not like I’m going all old-school, straight razor Sweeney Todd over here.

3) I am seemingly incapable of removing my right contact lens without it getting lost somewhere in the recesses of my eyelid. I wish I were kidding about this one, but it’s true. I’d estimate that one out of every three removal attempts ends with me in front of the bathroom mirror for a good five to ten minutes, pinching my right eyelid, blinking madly and digging around for the errant lens.

Other things that are inexplicably difficult for me, but are only disastrous some of the time:

*Driving in New Jersey without getting lost, usually because my GPS gets confused at the cluster-fuck that is the NJ highway system.

*Competitive sports of any kind.

*I also have an abysmal track record with eating soup in bed. Suffice it to say, my mattress pad looks like it should be waterproof (and it probably should be), but I assure you that those suspicious looking stains are all soup. All soup.

There are lots of other things that I’m terrible at, but I think we’ve all had enough self-deprecation for one day. I promise that my next post will involve something happier, or I’ll just post another dating story so that at least the self-deprecation will be funny.

Love you bunches,


p.s. Did anyone else notice that I numbered the first list and used asterisk/bullet points for the second list? And no, there is absolutely no method to my¬†madness. That’s just how I roll.

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