Tips for managing your junk mail

I, like most people I am sure, accumulate a ludicrous amount of junk mail. Mine is mostly at my parent’s house since I couldn’t be bothered to change my address when I moved out more than ten years ago. It’s always a treat to come home for the holidays and play ‘count the credit card offers’ with my mom. But after a decade of simply shrugging at the credit card company’s lame attempts to get me to open yet another card I don’t need and tossing the application into the recycling bin, I decided that enough was enough.

Thus began my war against junk mail. The battle sequence went something like this:

– I started by calling all the numbers on each piece of mail and requesting to be taken off their mailing list.

This resulted in a marked increase in junk mail.

– Then I registered with that opt-out website that is supposed to automatically and immediately remove your name from marketing lists for the next five years. I even went so far as to mail in the stupid form they make you print out if you want to make the removal permanent.

Then I started getting lots more junk mail. A ridiculous amount more. These credit card companies (the worst offenders by far) seem to have a twisted sense of humor. Well, two can play at that game.

My mother told me that she sent in all her offers with the words ‘No thank you’ written across the application. Because they all come with one of those ‘postage paid if mailed in the US’ envelopes, the company has to pay for your rejection. I’m sure you can see why this idea was very appealing to me.

– I took my Mother’s advice on the first few offers and a wrote a polite, but firm ‘No thank you.’ That got old pretty quickly, so I started writing other things like, ‘STOP!’ and ‘TREE-KILLERS!’ and ‘END ECO-TERRORISM!’ instead.

– On the next batch I decided to switch it up by adding some fun facts about ferrets like, ‘Did you know that all ferrets have white fur at birth?’ and ‘Can you believe that ferrets are the third most popular pet in the United States!’

– By my tenth offer (from the same company) I started to get kinda pissed and wrote, ‘Stop wasting your company’s money and my time!’ and because they have to pay the postage for those envelopes, I included every last piece of paper they sent with the application (including the original envelope all folded up) just in case the envelopes were weighed and they had to pay by the ounce.

– I thought it might also be a good idea to throw in a few odd bits of rusty metal too, for good measure.

– I was going to add a dusting of baking powder to the mix in order to stir up a good old-fashioned anthrax scare, but thought better of it and took the safer route by putting in some lint and hair from my bathroom floor instead.

– For the last few offers I set up a perverted game of ‘Let’s Make a Deal’ by writing, ‘Ok, for every credit card application you send me, I’ll send you back one of your grandmother’s fingers…’

Here’s hoping this will finally put a stop to the junk mail madness because I don’t know how much more disgusting and annoying I can get. I’ll be sure to keep you posted.

* Note: I didn’t actually do most of these things, but I totally will if they keep this shit up!

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