Three Wishes

If some magical force or being could grant you any three wishes (and only three wishes) what would they be?

I’m willing to bet that everyone, at one point or another, has pondered this delightful, if fantastical possibility. I for one have given it a tremendous amount of thought.

On my most recent road trip (this time to Florida,) I had an inordinate amount of time to kill in the car and I spent much of it coming up with my answer.

Wish One – I wish to make the following changes to my physical person

For this first wish I’m going to use an umbrella strategy, or what I like to call ‘The Aladdin Principle.’ Remember in the Disney cartoon version of ‘Aladdin’ when he wishes to be a prince? (Don’t lie, you know you do.) The genie could’ve just said, ‘Okay…poof! Now you’re a prince. Hope you learned how to govern an entire nation while you were busy stealing apples from the hardworking citizens of Agrabah.’ But he didn’t. The genie gave him a total makeover, a new wardrobe, a bunch of camels, tons of riches, dancing girls, fire-eaters AND he turned Abu into an elephant – all in the same wish.

With that technical loophole in mind, I would like to make the following changes to my physical person:

100% immunity to all diseases. I’m talking full coverage for everything from allergies to alzheimer’s, bronchitis to botulism, the common cold to cancer… I also want the complete irradication of any rogue cells currently residing in my body that may be silently plotting my demise from within. Any microbe not down with the Healthy Sarah program will simply have to go.

Better than 20/20 vision. I’ve run out of disposable contacts, I need new glasses, going to the eye doctor is a hassle and I’m afraid of LASIK surgery, so this one seemed like a no-brainer.

Perfect hearing. I’m pretty sure that between the years I’ve spent with tenors screeching in my ear during operatic duets and the times I’ve spent going to blaring rock concerts, my hearing has been irreparably damaged.

I was thinking of adding a perfect pitch addendum to this one but decided against it. Due to America’s current obsession with musical-themed reality tv which I already find super annoying, I would probably have to kill myself if I knew how bad it really was. Of course, I could always just not watch or employ some magical button that could somehow mute the awful…

You know, now that I think about it, I might have to scrap this one entirely. Living in NYC with perfect, dare I say, supersonic hearing would probably be awful. This place is loud enough as it is. Plus, I live above a Mexican restaurant that offers ‘non-stop thumping dance music Wednesday,’ ‘Mexican karaoke Saturday’ and the occasional ‘Mariachi Monday’ thrown in for good measure. I suppose I’d get used to it after a while as I have done with my current (subpar) auditory capabilities, but I don’t know. I’ll have to think on this one…

No more cavities and the few cavities I already have would disappear. And while we’re on this oral theme, I want to fix the one tooth that couldn’t be shifted with my Invisalign and I don’t want to ever have to wear my retainer ever again! Also, no more morning breath, no matter what wretched things I may have consumed the night before.

Stronger, toned, more flexible muscles…without all the bother of going to the gym of course.

Sun burn (and freckle) resistant! As I write this I am sitting on a park bench with the sun beating down on my shoulders…which, naturally, are covered with gobs and gobs of SPF as high as I could get. I don’t necessarily mind wearing sunscreen, and I’m certainly not wishing to be tan – I’m perfectly happy with my sickly pallor thank you very much – but sun protection is kind of a hassle. All of the good sunscreens are really drying to the skin and leave a white residue on my clothes which is gross.

I want to stall, but not stop, the aging process. Spending lots of money on vitamin complexes and wrinkle creams really doesn’t interest me all that much and I would like to put that off for another ten to fifteen years at least.

I kind of wish I could belt without damaging my ability to sing classically. Since that’s a physical change to the vocal chords it should definitely count. I know a few voice teachers who assure me that it is in fact possible, but this has not been my experience.

I don’t want to have to shave my legs (in addition to a few other keys areas) or endure other forms of hair removal torture EVER again. I know a few of my hippier friends would make the argument that a woman shouldn’t HAVE to shave anything as it is. I disagree. I am not a fan of women with hairy legs. That’s my position and I’m sticking to it.

Healthy, smooth, frizz-free hair with no split ends. This may seem frivolous (kindly note the name of this blog) but when you have hair as long as mine, its care consumes a good portion of your day.

It would be excellent if I never broke another nail. Okay, now this is getting ridiculous even for me…

Though I am somewhat ashamed to admit it, I would also prefer to have slightly, SLIGHTLY bigger boobs. There, I said it.

I’m sure there are a few other things I’d like to change that I haven’t thought of yet, but that’s the beauty of an umbrella wish, you can always shove more stuff under there later.

Wish Two – I wish for the ability to travel via teleportation to anywhere in the world. My fellow Potterheads would call this apparition. Imagine how efficient I could be if I didn’t have to worry about commuting anywhere ever!

Wish Three – I wish for unlimited financial resources. Some may argue that my wishes have all been extremely selfish. For the most part, I would agree, but given the resources, I could affect all kinds of change with this one. For instance…

– I would totally save the whales. You can do that with money, right? Good. That’s what I thought. Consider yourselves saved my blubbery mammalian friends!

– I would see to it that Heifer International was so inundated with cows and goats and baby ducks, the starving people of everywhere would be in bovine overload.

– I could start my own Super PAC and buy an American presidential election. Think of the possibilities…

– I’d reopen the Connecticut Opera. I really liked it there. Plus like, twelve more opera companies. In fact, I would dump all kinds of funding into the arts and arts education. My financial contributions would make the NEA look so laughable it’s not even funny! Oh wait…

– I would put an end to the need for NPR pledge drives.

– I would take down the industrial farming complex, subsidize local and organic farmers so that Monsanto would be no more and organic broccoli would cost a nickel. I would also buy up all of the grade x ‘beef’ used in a BigMac and sell it to McD’s at an exorbitant rate, thereby forcing them to use healthier (and now less expensive) ingredients or drive up their prices so that a Super Value meal would cost an average of $49.95.

– I would fund the shit out of Planned Parenthood. They were the only organization who would take care of me when I had no insurance, no questions asked, even when I couldn’t pay.

– I would buy the rights to ‘Firefly’ from the Fox network and pay Joss Whedon and the entire cast (even those that were killed off in ‘Serenity’) ridiculous amounts of money to keep making the show. (I stole this idea from Patrick Rothfuss, but I’m pretty sure he won’t mind.)

Actually, I think I’d buy the entire Fox Corporation. No! I’ll buy lots of companies and become a major media mogul the likes of which this world has never known. I would make Rupert Murdoch look like a scrawny kid with a paper route!

Runners-up

– The ability to read minds and/or see the future, but then I decided I’d rather not know.

– To have an endless supply of those super amazing efficiency pills like Bradley Cooper had in that awful movie, but I figured that would be tantamount to becoming a drug addict and I didn’t want to waste a wish on that.

– And, you know, world peace.

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